I'm Trying
by A Dark Angel's Melody
Summary: Neglection is all Tess has ever known, and she can't put up with it anymore... and there's only one answer that she can see...


_She sat down on the floor and said, I wish I was stronger  
Right now I feel as fragile as glass  
And I want to believe you, believe what's held you, has freed you  
And I hate these doubts that keep on coming back  
("I'm Trying" by Martina McBride)_

Happiness.

When did it become just a distant, unachievable dream? Tess didn't know the answer, it happened somewhere along the way though. Her life wasn't happy, she seemed happy to the people she talked to, but they didn't know that she was an amazing actress. And they didn't know how little she actually talked to anyone.

Hopefulness was forbidden. The more Tess hoped, the more she watched her hopes fall. She began to simply prepare for the worst.

When her mom left her alone everyday, that's when Tess had nothing to do but wish her only dream would come true.

Her dream was to be loved. And if she was loved, it would never be by a family member. She wasn't going to dream about things that crazy. She wasn't abused, simply neglected. She had everything that she could have asked for; apparently her parents thought that she must have been fine with material items. Material objects could never give her the love that a person must feel in order to live. Apparently it actually _wasn't_ necessary to live, because Tess was still alive. Barely. Most of the time she had one question on her mind: _If this is life, why are there so many people?_

Tess tried to avoid watching TV when she was left alone; it never made her feel good, she only saw violence; and honestly, that was the last thing she needed to see. Music was her best friend, but no matter what she listened to, it brought her down. The happy songs made her so much more hopeful. The sad songs made her realize that she was right, nothing would ever get better, dashing her faint hopes.

Realizing that nothing would ever get better made Tess wonder, _why am I still here? _She asked herself that question every day. But she kept reminding herself that as long as she was still alive, things _could_ get better. After she let the words sink in, life became better. The truth of the matter was that this was only temporary, Tess saw the plain truth as soon as the words she repeated to herself day after day no longer had the same effect, she felt nothing toward those words but bitter feelings; Tess didn't know why at eighteen she had lost the desire to live.

At eighteen, she was tired of life; most people her age were crazy and partying. It wasn't appealing to her. The only thing that sounded appealing to her was not being here. She did not want to exist any longer. She was so sick of living. No, she didn't know what would happen if she died, but somehow she knew that a loving God wouldn't let her suffer in hell. She knew that one simple fact, and it lessened her fear of death. It lessened her fear so much that death was fascinating to her. She thought about it all the time.

Tess knew she wasn't good enough to live. If she was, she might actually be enough for her mom.

So there in her bathroom, Tess did something in order to take her own life; she had always heard this would kill her quickly, but it would torture her, and she was happy about that, so she glided a razor blade across her wrist, pushing down harder than she normally would. She hoped she would hit an artery. She smirked. It was the first thing that she had hoped for that actually came true. She threw the silver blade across the room. She felt short of breath as her bleeding wrist began to bleed out quickly. Tess was actually really happy that this was happening to her. She knew that in a matter of minutes she would be gone; she would never have to deal with this stupid, crazy, unforgiving world again. And she would never be lonely again. And maybe, just maybe, she would get her mom's attention this way. Even if she wasn't going to be around to see it.

Tess' fingers began to become cold and numb from the lack of circulation, she pressed them against her pale face. The pain that she was feeling was tolerable, she'd felt emotional pain that hurt more than this. Five minutes went by; Tess knew that she would feel nothing soon. That knowledge brought a smile to her face.

Then she would feel no love, no pain, no hurt, and she wouldn't shed another tear… nothing. And with her dying breaths, she comforted herself with the painful truth: "Things are finally looking up." That was it. Tess was gone. Forever. She would never come back. No more being an outcast. No more dreams that would end up being unwillingly lost. No more neglection.

Nothing.

**A/N: Yes, I know that was depressing. But the past few days haven't really been great days… Anyway, please review.**


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